the ache remains.

Not a day goes by (and yet 3 years have...)

we remembered you today in different conversations, in the same room. i with myself, her with her dearest friend from high school. she mentioned that frightful february afternoon when our hearts died with you - that day that turned into a night that i spent sitting on the floor of that barren hospital crying more tears than i could have imagined that morning. i sobbed as the doctor in his cold white coat with equally cold hands carried the most horrid news. 

there's nothing more we can do. 

my father stomped his foot and moaned in agony - i watched and listened with clouded eyes and ears as the slow motion horror film rolled on. (you can never find the stop button when you most need it.) the hours of tears dragged on into days. the crying and holding and yelling traveled to a hotel room, to 4083 rockfish road, to the cemetery -- and still today, three years later... the echoes of the lifeless hospital, the stomping feet and groans that meant nothing and everything play loudly in my mind. because she mentioned it today and i caught sight of the tears in her eyes. my feet carried me to the kitchen, away from the pursuit of tears. because sometimes it still seems 

there's nothing we can do. 

nina asked if it gets easier, if you adjust --- 

today the answer is no. it still sucks. it still hurts like hell. i still miss you; i still wish you were here. i wish i could have known you better. i still cry, sometimes weep - about it. i still ache when i think of your absence, when my fingers gently fall over the hole you have left in my heart, in all of our hearts. i still kind of hate valentine's day. i still wonder why.

but mostly, i still love you. 

i still admire and respect and look up to you. i still cherish the way you lived - and desperately try to remember moments spent with you conversations that spoke to my heart...

so today i dug out the letter you wrote to me. the dearest thing i have left of you. today i read it, and again my eyes filled with tears. that thanksgiving sunday , or maybe it was saturday - coming down to my room and finding those words written to me on that yellow piece of paper; i was awe-struck, humbled, thankful. (and today, i am even more thankful than i was then.) because you spoke the truth. and the image you described in my life is the image i continually return to, the image that most clearly represents my life...

"the picture the Lord gives me for you is that you are standing directly in front of your life's treasure chest and it is slightly open. shining out from it is the reflection of the Great store of golden treasure. The Lord wants you to know it's all yours and the treasure he gives never runs dry. Open the lid wide and see and take from all that he has for you. As you remain in him, all you put your hand to will be blessed and prosper. (now and in the future!) I am so excited for you and what lies ahead for you Ashley!"

it was prophetic. it is truth. and if only you knew how many times i come back to those words. 

so on this gray day i'm remembering. 

i'm dwelling and re-living and crying and thinking and praying. 

and i'm clinging, still clinging to this: 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purposes." 

Romans 8:28