Thursday, April 7, 2011

i can't focus.

sunlight floods into this upstairs room in the library. bon iver drowns out the thoughts not related to school, his magical harmonies help me to focus somehow.  my email occasionally "dings" notifying me that something is calling for my attention - network outage, pay day announcement - deletedeletedelete. to my right sits a girl from my science class, twirling her hair and wearing a white hat... she's probably working on the paper that is due on Tuesday. the grassy quad, finally free of snow, is home to people kicking a soccer ball around. (i like sitting here because i can watch what's happening outside. i hate sitting here because i can watch what's happening outside.)  a man in purple sits at a desk across the room, he looks like he's meditating. two others sit at tables behind me. dear hannah v comes in, taking the seat where hannah becker sat just half an hour prior.

on Sunday i spent two hours people-watching for my research methods class. i sat on a couch in pleasant street tea company and scribbled notes about everything i saw. just now i transformed those scrawled notes into conclusions and narrative observations. whenever i intentionally watch people and intentionally notice things, i am reminded how much i miss in day-to-day life. i am not a very observant person.

i stitched a heart onto my (free!) yellow shoes yesterday, i told genny i did it "for the observant." perhaps each time i look down at my feet i will remember to look around more closely. to search and find the little hearts stitched on those around me.

we need each other.

both genny and the woman who made my sandwich today reminded me of this. last night at dinner genny sheepishly told me that as we were walking to theology class in the morning i exclaimed, "it's SUCH a beautiful day!" and that one little statement changed her whole outlook on the day. this left me speechless; i barely remember saying it. (i'm always saying what i'm feeling and hardly even thinking about it - most times i think it's a problem, haha.) today at lunch i asked, "how is your day going?" to the woman whose head i could barely see behind the piles of bread. "...this morning was wonderful. there were so many birds singing this morning at 6am it was like God was declaring his day..."

i missed the birds. (and the frost.) but this small statement reminded me that today is God's day.
he declared it this morning whether i heard it or not. hallelujah.

"I want to beg you as much as I can... to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves...Do not now seek answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will gradually without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer... take whatever comes with great trust, and if only it comes out of your innermost being, take it upon yourself and hate nothing." 

edit//: guess who is finally going to get to see the west coast?! looks like i'll be hiking the john muir trail in the sierra mountains (northern california) come september... eeeeeeeee! 

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